When I was young, and whenever my parents would not be able to make themselves present for the things I felt were important moments (for example, in my 3rd grade recognition rites ceremony, it was my 1st time not to get 1st honors, and it was also my 1st time to have someone else other than my parents to put on a bronze medal on me). While they are painful moments that I inadvertently look back to in my childhood, some happened simply because they chose to be there for things of a higher priority (like going on business trips to earn money and put food on the table, and pay my tuition so I can actually go to school in the first place). Now that I am an adult, I am only beginning to understand the flipside of the situation, that as a needy kid, I needed to toughen up and not be too needy and demanding. That if I were more considerate a daughter, it would have been a small token of appreciation for all their sacrificial love.
Tonight reminds me of that transformative pain. I try to be as productive and to dabble in many things. I also want to be the best in everything that I do – the best student for my academic advisors, the best partner liaison for my colleagues, the best girlfriend for my lover, the best daughter for my parents, the best sibling for my brothers, the best tita for my nephews and niece. The list goes on. However, some segments in our lives have just got to give way to accommodate another more demanding area. And sometimes, succeeding in one area entails inadvertently failing in the other.
It is hard to accept failure. It is hard to accept difficulty. These things are just very unsexy. But they are part of the peaks and troughs of life. And one day, when I look back to this difficult moment in time, I pray that I’ll once again be realizing that this is a moment of transformation and of growth – that things will be better.
This, too, shall pass.
I pray for patience.
I pray for unconditional love.
I pray that I may have enough strength to continue the pursuit of giving that love, as well as receiving this love.
Yes, giving and receiving no matter how difficult and inconvenient it may get.